About last night....

I couldn't sleep last night, and neither could Alex. We both tossed and turned and tossed until I finally decided to get up and watch TV. I was sitting on the couch, watching New Girl when an enormous flash of light, like a bolt of lightning, lit up the sky. It was accompanied by a bzzzzzt sound (not thunder) and the general decrease in our electrical power.
It reminded me of the Northridge earthquake, standing in my parents' bedroom in the early morning light and watching the sky light up with transformers blowing up.
Turns out it was a fallen tree that had hit a power line. the road going west out of town in closed. We are so lucky that a fire didn't start.
I have to admit, things are so crazy lately, I was first thinking - could that have been a bomb? Could North Korea have sent a missile?
Needless to say, I didn't sleep much last night...

And today, the smoke is so thick over SV that we all can barely breathe.
Yeah....

Tom Petty

In high school, I worked at my Dad's business, answering phones and doing paperwork. It was a good job and I liked it - mostly because I worked with Patty. Patty was a woman with an amazing outlook on life. She always found the funny. She was always upbeat. She knew how to deal with customers, even when they really made me mad. And she listened to the radio incessantly. For a while, it was Howard Stern. Then it was some other talk show. I remember the OJ Simpson trial in there too. But we also listened to classic rock. We could get the "new" classic rock station from LA - was it 93.1? Anyways, they played all kinds of songs and Patty knew them all. She started to teach me and we ended up playing "Name that Tune" almost every day. I would borrow her tapes to play in my car. I loved the music. I started to listen to the Beatles. I would write out song lyrics - like, longhand. I loved the poetry. And I remember that Tom Petty had a hit at the time - Mary Jane. Everybody loved it because we all knew it was about pot (OMG - so cool to like a song about POT!) and the video was super creepy with Tom dancing around with a dead girl...
Patty told me that Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers had been around for a long time. I got their "greatest hits" cassette tape and I was surprised at how many songs I knew. That tape was on repeat in my car. Over and over.
When I was a bit older - after college, I could afford to go to concerts and I got tickets to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers at the Santa Barbara Bowl. The absolute best venue to see a show, hands down. It's set in the mountains, in a schwanky neighborhood with oak tree lined streets and a beautiful view. I had gotten tickets for the actual second to last row. We were in the nosebleeds. So far away from the stage. But that night was magic. It was the first time that I had just seen a band play. A band who knew each other. Nothing else. No fireworks, no set changes, no big screens.  Not a big show or a big production. It was just Tom Petty, a stunningly dynamic performer, and his band. They played all our favorites, and I'm unsure they even had a set list. One song blended into another and the whole crowd sang every song. I danced and danced up in the nose bleeds and I made friends with all the people surrounding us. I remember a couple of women, "much older" than I was (at the time, probably 22-23 - they were probably 20 years older than me) and the music affected us the same way. The music spoke to us all in that audience that night.
One vivid memory I have from the concert is Tom playing guitar and looking over at one of his bandmates with a huge grin on his face - then the music changed. They had anticipated (or felt? or known?) the change coming up. They communicated without words. What a remarkable thing.
Since working with Patty, Tom Petty had been a constant presence in my life. I always return to his music, and there was nothing better than his concert. It's by far the best I have ever attended. The best for, oddly, the lack of showmanship. Allowing the music - complex, upsetting, melodious - to speak for itself. And showing the audience what true musical talent is. What a joy it is to hear a band of people who know each other inside and out to produce this wonderful art that deeply affects us all.
It's been a rough year - it's hard to deny that. I thought this year would be better because it couldn't be worse than last year, but here I am eating my words.
The world is full of awful people and awful things. It's art and artists who get us through these times. Tom Petty was one of those for me and I will never stop listening to his music as long as I live. I'm sad that he's gone.

6 years

This is a picture from our honeymoon in Yosemite. We hiked the Valley floor that day. It rained but it was still fun because there are always fewer people when it's raining. But rain at lower altitudes means snow at higher altitudes. We tried to drive out of the valley back to our cabin, but the snow was coming down, the road was slippery, it was dark, cars were getting stuck and my Dad's car that we had borrowed wasn't going to make it. Oh yeah, and we had no gas! We turned around and got a hotel room in the valley. I wished I had PJs and my glasses, but otherwise, it was a great adventure. A fitting start to our marriage, if nothing else.

A few days later, Alex planned a 17 mile hike with over 3000 feet of elevation gain (and loss, eventually). We started at 6am and had a lovely view of the sunrise hitting Yosemite falls across the valley from us. But the climb was slow going, the trail was icy and I had a meltdown. I don't do well on hills and I'm afraid of heights. At one point, the trail was slippery, icy granite and a sheer drop on one side. I was terrified. Also, we kept getting passed by people just reminding me how much I sucked at hiking and being outdoors in general. At some point, I accused Alex of trying to kill me on our honeymoon. We finally made it to Glacier Point around noon and we decided to call it a day. I was exhausted, emotionally at least. We had to pay $50 to get a bus down to the valley floor.

Marriage is an interesting thing, from a lot of perspectives. I really like Alex (obvi) and I think we balance each other well. He's calm when I'm crazed. He's over the top, and I bring him back down. He sets out to do something in the most complicated way and he generally listens to me when I tell him there are easier ways to do things. He lets me make crazy plans and do outrageous things without questioning me. He lets me be me and I think I let him be him.

You are around this person the most of anyone else, save for maybe your kids. You become almost the same person. I know how he will react to lots of situations and I'm sure he knows how I will react too. But we still have fun. We still laugh. He still goofs around and makes me question my sanity in marrying him. And sometimes the boring mundanity gets to you and I go a little crazy and he just takes my craziness. Or my imposter syndrome. Or my anxiety. Or whatever it is I have at the time.

Turns out, marriage is both wonderful and awful. You face the world together and sometimes that's really hard. There are disasters, personal, professional, local, world-wide, etc. Sometimes you don't agree. But you still wake up next to this person. We've both finished our graduate work. We've moved across the country, started over at Stanford. We spent 2 months on the road. And we are gearing up to do it again next year. We've had a kid, who is probably the coolest one I've ever met. Also, the one person who can drive me the most crazy too.

You choose to be in this relationship every day, every hour, six years (actually longer)... Nothing else could be better. I am sure of that.